I changed my mind on some things while reading this book, but not because of this book. This book is terrible.

The book attempts to prove the idea that humans evolved in a more or less willy-nilly sexual environment, and that modern ideas of monogamy are basically ridiculous. The book is awful; I did not finish it. The first third or so that I read contains ad-hominem attacks on Darwin (a straw man attack for this topic if there ever was one), pointless, rambling surveys on other areas of evolutionary psychology with little relevance or effort to tie it to the topic at hand, and vague, unscientific jabs at various members of the self-proclaimed moral establishment. They make some points, but the methodology is so bad that it’s entirely by accident.

At any rate, I would not trust the book’s main point based on the book’s examples of pre-agricultural tribes, because of the aforementioned methodology problems. But it’s true that most pre-agricultural societies are organized around fierce egalitarianism, with lots of communal child rearing. The ‘standard narrative’ of a providing father and paternity-certainty-providing mother doesn’t work there.

Now, we’ve had 10 thousand years or more to evolve cognitive responses to agriculture, so I do not agree with the premise that nobody is wired for monogamy. However, the book made me think about how we treat people who are not (and I would definitely grant that surely, some people are not).

It would be worse than being gay. Society views polyamorous folks as damaged and self destructive; courts routinely take their kids away. One needs a partner to self-actualize, as its put, and failing at marriage is a personal flaw. And I admit that I kind of held this view before, but in retrospect, it’s profoundly unfair to people who are not cut out for, biologically or otherwise, taking relationships seriously.

Further, it made me think about how I feel about jealousy. Not that it’s ever been an issue; I haven’t had a 6 or 7 year relationship to itch over. But is monogamy like a ‘hidden cost’ economics problem? Namely, much like the government bailing out a car company saves a few jobs, creating an unseen cost of what that money could have done had it created new companies and hired new workers, perhaps that’s what relationships are doing. Perhaps monogamy prevents the short-term cost of jealousy, but it’s creating a long-term, hidden cost of folks feeling stifled. I’m not going to make sweeping generalizations like this book did, but its something to think about.